.because the world is an exquisite place.

so i realized something a couple weeks ago. i was sitting in the hall, waiting for my philosophy discussion to begin, when all of a sudden this bright light bulb went off.

ive been thinking recently about all of my issues, my insecurities, my anxieties. and ive been trying to figure out what started them all.

we arent born with this burden. somewhere down the line of our lives, something went a little haywire & for whatever reason, it stuck with us.

well, i decided that im going to do a little "psycho-evaluation" on myself..i havent figured it all out, but im not going to sit back & let my anxiety eat me alive & ruin my life. here's what i kinda-sorta figured out:

in about 2rd grade, my dad came to see me after school, out of the blue. my parents were divorced and my dad lived about 2 hrs away, so i never got to see him. it was a complete surprise to me, but when i saw him standing there when i ran out of the building, i was so HAPPY! i ran to him screaming & hugged him right away. my mom was also there, but she didnt know that he was coming to visit me. so afterward, whether it was an hr later or that night [remember, i was 7, my memories are fuzzy], my mom decided to address this. she told me that i cant act like that, that i have to act like i dont care when i see my dad, because he doesnt deserve knowing how much i miss him. she told me that even when he does decide to finally visit after not seeing his daughter for so long, he shouldnt get the satisfaction of knowing that i was so ecstatic that he finally came. and basically, every time my dad would remember that i existed and decided to come see me, i would tell him how much i missed him & i'd be so happy that he finally came. yet, after every single visit, he would, again, disappear and leave me for months at a time, occasionally calling. when i think of my dad, i feel the words "disposable", "used", "replaceable", "unloved", & i remember feeling those exact feelings when i was just 7.

another moment i distinctly remember was when i was in 5th grade. it was my birthday & my dad had called earlier, not sure whether it was that day or a few days before, & he told me that he was gonna come & see me, that he had a gift for me. my mom & him decided to meet by a gas station, a half hr away from where i lived, since my dad didnt know where we had moved to. i got all excited, my dad was coming just for me!...except he never came. this was back when my mom didnt have a mobile phone, so she used the pay phone about 20+ times to try to reach him on his mobile, but he didnt pick up. we waited for over 4 hours, in the stifling july heat..but he never came. my mom got so mad. she knew this would happen, my dad would always say that he was going to do something, but never stayed true to his word.. but on my birthday?

when i was young, i was always with my mom. ALWAYS. she used to work as a lifeguard & swimming instructor when we first moved to the states, & i'd always go with her to the pool, sometimes, i'd stay there all day. my mom was my best friend, and my dad would always let me down. ALWAYS. i think i basically got the impression that women are trustworthy, while men will always be the ones that hurt me & toss me aside & forget about me. and now, im pretty sure this is why i feel almost afraid of men. i didnt have a dad that i felt comfortable with. & i have major trust issues, especially towards men. probably because my father was always the one that lied to me, that didnt care about me. i mean, it isnt a coincidence that i CANNOT have a normal, healthy relationship, because i always feel like anything i do, the guy will leave. i kiss him? he'll leave. i sleep with him? i won't ever hear from him again. i sometimes feel like if a guy likes me & wants to be with me, that he's just playing a trick on me. that once he gets what he wants, he'll just leave. so i always distance myself the guy, even if i truly like him. i mean, whats the point of getting involved, if he's just gonna leave anyways?..yeah, pretty sure this is all my dad's doing.

another thing about me is how i feel towards guys. i always look for & hope that guys will like me. it's kind of hard to explain, since i realize what i do, i just have no clue how to put it into words. basically, any guy i meet, i always have this desire to get them to like me, and any guys im around, i feel like im the center of their attention & that theyre thinking about me & paying attention JUST to me. and idk why i feel like this. i just have this feeling, like i want all the guys to like me. it doesnt matter whether i like them or not, either. i've been called a hardcore flirt before, so many times, but i dont even realize that i flirt. my friend once asked me how to flirt & im like, i have no clue. i dont know what i do, but apparently everyone around me seems to think that i flirt all the time. i think this may have something to do with wanting to be accepted by men. i think i have this feeling that my dad never accepted me, so i seek acceptance in every other male out there.

i realize that i may sound psychotic.. none of my friends get it. they just think i have low self-esteem. but it isnt it! its so much more critical than that! i just HAD to tell someone. just to get it off my chest. that day when i all of a sudden "figured" it out, or at least, some of it, i just started scribbling it all down on paper..i have about 2 pgs in my notebook about this, i wrote it in Russian too, lest someone catch me writing it & be able to see what im writing about..another symptom of SA.. :/


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