.because the world is an exquisite place.

  • Why, if at all, do you fear falling in love? being lied to & hurt..nothing hurts more than a broken heart
  • When is the next time you will kiss someone? tomorrow night?..it is new years! 
  • If a hot guy walked up to you and said you were hot while reaching for your ass, what would you do? well...kinda depends who it is ;)
  • Has it been more then 24 hours since you last saw the person you fell the hardest for? yes :(
  • Do you remember who you liked three months ago? i do..but im not quite sure if i even like him..
  • Who is your last text message from? michael?
  • Were your last three kisses from the same person? no
  • How old is the last person you kissed on the lips? 19
  • Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now? yes. but he's forgotten i exist, so why bother wishing?
  • Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? yes
  • Is it awkward when you run into your exes? eh..i havent had that many run-ins. whew! 
  • Are you cheating on someone right now? no. im completely against cheating 
  • What is more important, family or friends? my closest friends are like family <3
  • What do you usually do when you have a 'bad hair day? get pissed off like nobody's business, but move on with my life
  • Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? ...do i?! lol i dont think so. i have secrets, but theyre not exactly deep & dark
  • Are any of your friends virgins? yes
  • Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house? yes
  • How many illegal things have you done? depends
  • When was the last time you were craving to get drunk? right now! :P
  • Do you believe in 11:11? yes :)
  • Do you have a dirty mind? ALWAYS
  • Would you ever be the "other girl"? never.
  • New phone or new computer? new phone! blackberry! 
  • Wouldn't you agree that 'I love you' is becoming more worthless? yes
  • What do you bite on more: your tongue, lip, or nails? lip
  • Who is your Celebrity Crush? rupert grint. i love that ginger boy! 
  • Do you have a bad habit? yes
  • What is the last thing you did before finally falling asleep last night? turned on some classical music to help lull me to sleep
  • Has anybody ever given you butterflies? YES! i miss those.. 
  • Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? HELL YES 
  • If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? yes
  • What were you doing at ten last night? hanging out at someone's house
  • What time did you go to sleep last night? 3.30am
  • Are you missing someone right now? yes :( 
  • Have you ever attended a private school? nope
  • What color are your nails painted right now? clear
  • What are you wearing right now? yoga pants & a t-shirt
  • Do you miss the way things used to be? hell yes. i actually miss high school...
  • Were you happy when you woke up today? no
  • Have you ever ate dog food? nope..ive tried cat food before, though. ewwww.
  • Have you ever lived with your ex boyfriend/girlfriend? no
  • What is something you disliked about your day? my sore neck muscles
  • How has the past week been for you? idk...ive decided to suspend judgement for now..
  • Does anyone disgust you? lol yes
  • Do you answer most of your texts? about 99% of the time
  • What was the weather like today? who knows? i stayed in all day :)
  • What smiley face do you use often? :) lol... 
  • Where did you get the shirt your wearing? store
  • Who was the last person you took a picture with? prob agnes  
  • What are you craving at the moment? middle eastern food!!! im always craving it =) 
  • Are you smart? occassionally
  • Straight hair or curly? straight
  • Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yes

i think i have about a dozen different networking accounts..which is insane! i cant keep up with everything, so i decided that i'd list them all on here, just to keep track. this way, it's easier for me & anyone that wishes to add me, follow me, talk to me, & so on, you'll know how to find me.


so i realized something a couple weeks ago. i was sitting in the hall, waiting for my philosophy discussion to begin, when all of a sudden this bright light bulb went off.

ive been thinking recently about all of my issues, my insecurities, my anxieties. and ive been trying to figure out what started them all.

we arent born with this burden. somewhere down the line of our lives, something went a little haywire & for whatever reason, it stuck with us.

well, i decided that im going to do a little "psycho-evaluation" on myself..i havent figured it all out, but im not going to sit back & let my anxiety eat me alive & ruin my life. here's what i kinda-sorta figured out:

in about 2rd grade, my dad came to see me after school, out of the blue. my parents were divorced and my dad lived about 2 hrs away, so i never got to see him. it was a complete surprise to me, but when i saw him standing there when i ran out of the building, i was so HAPPY! i ran to him screaming & hugged him right away. my mom was also there, but she didnt know that he was coming to visit me. so afterward, whether it was an hr later or that night [remember, i was 7, my memories are fuzzy], my mom decided to address this. she told me that i cant act like that, that i have to act like i dont care when i see my dad, because he doesnt deserve knowing how much i miss him. she told me that even when he does decide to finally visit after not seeing his daughter for so long, he shouldnt get the satisfaction of knowing that i was so ecstatic that he finally came. and basically, every time my dad would remember that i existed and decided to come see me, i would tell him how much i missed him & i'd be so happy that he finally came. yet, after every single visit, he would, again, disappear and leave me for months at a time, occasionally calling. when i think of my dad, i feel the words "disposable", "used", "replaceable", "unloved", & i remember feeling those exact feelings when i was just 7.

another moment i distinctly remember was when i was in 5th grade. it was my birthday & my dad had called earlier, not sure whether it was that day or a few days before, & he told me that he was gonna come & see me, that he had a gift for me. my mom & him decided to meet by a gas station, a half hr away from where i lived, since my dad didnt know where we had moved to. i got all excited, my dad was coming just for me!...except he never came. this was back when my mom didnt have a mobile phone, so she used the pay phone about 20+ times to try to reach him on his mobile, but he didnt pick up. we waited for over 4 hours, in the stifling july heat..but he never came. my mom got so mad. she knew this would happen, my dad would always say that he was going to do something, but never stayed true to his word.. but on my birthday?

when i was young, i was always with my mom. ALWAYS. she used to work as a lifeguard & swimming instructor when we first moved to the states, & i'd always go with her to the pool, sometimes, i'd stay there all day. my mom was my best friend, and my dad would always let me down. ALWAYS. i think i basically got the impression that women are trustworthy, while men will always be the ones that hurt me & toss me aside & forget about me. and now, im pretty sure this is why i feel almost afraid of men. i didnt have a dad that i felt comfortable with. & i have major trust issues, especially towards men. probably because my father was always the one that lied to me, that didnt care about me. i mean, it isnt a coincidence that i CANNOT have a normal, healthy relationship, because i always feel like anything i do, the guy will leave. i kiss him? he'll leave. i sleep with him? i won't ever hear from him again. i sometimes feel like if a guy likes me & wants to be with me, that he's just playing a trick on me. that once he gets what he wants, he'll just leave. so i always distance myself the guy, even if i truly like him. i mean, whats the point of getting involved, if he's just gonna leave anyways?..yeah, pretty sure this is all my dad's doing.

another thing about me is how i feel towards guys. i always look for & hope that guys will like me. it's kind of hard to explain, since i realize what i do, i just have no clue how to put it into words. basically, any guy i meet, i always have this desire to get them to like me, and any guys im around, i feel like im the center of their attention & that theyre thinking about me & paying attention JUST to me. and idk why i feel like this. i just have this feeling, like i want all the guys to like me. it doesnt matter whether i like them or not, either. i've been called a hardcore flirt before, so many times, but i dont even realize that i flirt. my friend once asked me how to flirt & im like, i have no clue. i dont know what i do, but apparently everyone around me seems to think that i flirt all the time. i think this may have something to do with wanting to be accepted by men. i think i have this feeling that my dad never accepted me, so i seek acceptance in every other male out there.

i realize that i may sound psychotic.. none of my friends get it. they just think i have low self-esteem. but it isnt it! its so much more critical than that! i just HAD to tell someone. just to get it off my chest. that day when i all of a sudden "figured" it out, or at least, some of it, i just started scribbling it all down on paper..i have about 2 pgs in my notebook about this, i wrote it in Russian too, lest someone catch me writing it & be able to see what im writing about..another symptom of SA.. :/

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