.because the world is an exquisite place.

why is it that for some people, it takes a traumatic experience, or an uncomfortable experience, for them to truly stop & consider their life? i ask this because lately, i've been wondering about myself. i thought i knew everything about me, i thought i finally had figured out who i am & what i stand for...& yet, when i took a second look, i saw that im a neurotic, hypocritical, demanding, anxious, self-conscious, arrogant, bitch. and so now, i have absolutely no idea who i am.

what set it off..ha this one guy. i've always had this theory that everything happens to us for a reason. and all the people we meet in life, we were supposed to meet them. i think everyone we meet makes us become who we really are. it's hard to explain.

so, this guy basically questioned me on everything i said. which in turn, made me question myself & everything i stood for. it seemed to me like he absolutely had to prove me wrong no matter what. if he disagreed in any way, he had to prove me wrong. then he'd tell me how much he cared about me. what a joke. if i didnt agree with him, i was dumb, ignorant, in his eyes. and so now, after that ended, i just completely am lost on who i am. i mean, if just going through the motions of life right now, waking up, going to school, going to work. but i feel like im not present. like, my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else. sometimes i wake up & i spend the entire day completely & totally uncomfortable in my own body.

i used to be so sure of myself, so arrogant. people would tell me i have a huge ego. and i thought i did..but now, im so completely unsure of myself. god. my friends know all about this fkd up situation, but i never told anyone about how i've been really feeling lately. i've never even told myself. like, im writing this, & i cant even believe the stuff that im writing, its all kinda just pouring out.

wow. im screwed up.


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