eXquisitism

so i realized something a couple weeks ago. i was sitting in the hall, waiting for my philosophy discussion to begin, when all of a sudden this bright light bulb went off.

ive been thinking recently about all of my issues, my insecurities, my anxieties. and ive been trying to figure out what started them all.

we arent born with this burden. somewhere down the line of our lives, something went a little haywire & for whatever reason, it stuck with us.

well, i decided that im going to do a little "psycho-evaluation" on myself..i havent figured it all out, but im not going to sit back & let my anxiety eat me alive & ruin my life. here's what i kinda-sorta figured out:

in about 2rd grade, my dad came to see me after school, out of the blue. my parents were divorced and my dad lived about 2 hrs away, so i never got to see him. it was a complete surprise to me, but when i saw him standing there when i ran out of the building, i was so HAPPY! i ran to him screaming & hugged him right away. my mom was also there, but she didnt know that he was coming to visit me. so afterward, whether it was an hr later or that night [remember, i was 7, my memories are fuzzy], my mom decided to address this. she told me that i cant act like that, that i have to act like i dont care when i see my dad, because he doesnt deserve knowing how much i miss him. she told me that even when he does decide to finally visit after not seeing his daughter for so long, he shouldnt get the satisfaction of knowing that i was so ecstatic that he finally came. and basically, every time my dad would remember that i existed and decided to come see me, i would tell him how much i missed him & i'd be so happy that he finally came. yet, after every single visit, he would, again, disappear and leave me for months at a time, occasionally calling. when i think of my dad, i feel the words "disposable", "used", "replaceable", "unloved", & i remember feeling those exact feelings when i was just 7.

another moment i distinctly remember was when i was in 5th grade. it was my birthday & my dad had called earlier, not sure whether it was that day or a few days before, & he told me that he was gonna come & see me, that he had a gift for me. my mom & him decided to meet by a gas station, a half hr away from where i lived, since my dad didnt know where we had moved to. i got all excited, my dad was coming just for me!...except he never came. this was back when my mom didnt have a mobile phone, so she used the pay phone about 20+ times to try to reach him on his mobile, but he didnt pick up. we waited for over 4 hours, in the stifling july heat..but he never came. my mom got so mad. she knew this would happen, my dad would always say that he was going to do something, but never stayed true to his word.. but on my birthday?

when i was young, i was always with my mom. ALWAYS. she used to work as a lifeguard & swimming instructor when we first moved to the states, & i'd always go with her to the pool, sometimes, i'd stay there all day. my mom was my best friend, and my dad would always let me down. ALWAYS. i think i basically got the impression that women are trustworthy, while men will always be the ones that hurt me & toss me aside & forget about me. and now, im pretty sure this is why i feel almost afraid of men. i didnt have a dad that i felt comfortable with. & i have major trust issues, especially towards men. probably because my father was always the one that lied to me, that didnt care about me. i mean, it isnt a coincidence that i CANNOT have a normal, healthy relationship, because i always feel like anything i do, the guy will leave. i kiss him? he'll leave. i sleep with him? i won't ever hear from him again. i sometimes feel like if a guy likes me & wants to be with me, that he's just playing a trick on me. that once he gets what he wants, he'll just leave. so i always distance myself the guy, even if i truly like him. i mean, whats the point of getting involved, if he's just gonna leave anyways?..yeah, pretty sure this is all my dad's doing.

another thing about me is how i feel towards guys. i always look for & hope that guys will like me. it's kind of hard to explain, since i realize what i do, i just have no clue how to put it into words. basically, any guy i meet, i always have this desire to get them to like me, and any guys im around, i feel like im the center of their attention & that theyre thinking about me & paying attention JUST to me. and idk why i feel like this. i just have this feeling, like i want all the guys to like me. it doesnt matter whether i like them or not, either. i've been called a hardcore flirt before, so many times, but i dont even realize that i flirt. my friend once asked me how to flirt & im like, i have no clue. i dont know what i do, but apparently everyone around me seems to think that i flirt all the time. i think this may have something to do with wanting to be accepted by men. i think i have this feeling that my dad never accepted me, so i seek acceptance in every other male out there.

i realize that i may sound psychotic.. none of my friends get it. they just think i have low self-esteem. but it isnt it! its so much more critical than that! i just HAD to tell someone. just to get it off my chest. that day when i all of a sudden "figured" it out, or at least, some of it, i just started scribbling it all down on paper..i have about 2 pgs in my notebook about this, i wrote it in Russian too, lest someone catch me writing it & be able to see what im writing about..another symptom of SA.. :/

why is it that for some people, it takes a traumatic experience, or an uncomfortable experience, for them to truly stop & consider their life? i ask this because lately, i've been wondering about myself. i thought i knew everything about me, i thought i finally had figured out who i am & what i stand for...& yet, when i took a second look, i saw that im a neurotic, hypocritical, demanding, anxious, self-conscious, arrogant, bitch. and so now, i have absolutely no idea who i am.

what set it off..ha this one guy. i've always had this theory that everything happens to us for a reason. and all the people we meet in life, we were supposed to meet them. i think everyone we meet makes us become who we really are. it's hard to explain.

so, this guy basically questioned me on everything i said. which in turn, made me question myself & everything i stood for. it seemed to me like he absolutely had to prove me wrong no matter what. if he disagreed in any way, he had to prove me wrong. then he'd tell me how much he cared about me. what a joke. if i didnt agree with him, i was dumb, ignorant, in his eyes. and so now, after that ended, i just completely am lost on who i am. i mean, if just going through the motions of life right now, waking up, going to school, going to work. but i feel like im not present. like, my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else. sometimes i wake up & i spend the entire day completely & totally uncomfortable in my own body.

i used to be so sure of myself, so arrogant. people would tell me i have a huge ego. and i thought i did..but now, im so completely unsure of myself. god. my friends know all about this fkd up situation, but i never told anyone about how i've been really feeling lately. i've never even told myself. like, im writing this, & i cant even believe the stuff that im writing, its all kinda just pouring out.

wow. im screwed up.

My name is Vika. I have Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia.

there...i said it.

Ever since I've started "dating" or rather, getting into serious relationships, they simply crash & burn not even a few months afterwards.

When I was 16, my first boyfriend constantly kept telling me that I don't care about him, that I never want to see him, that I never do anything that shows how I feel about him. That was then. I'm 19 now, and just recently, I was almost in a serious relationship..which lasted a totaly of 3 weeks.

The guy was head over heels for me, even other people could see it, yet they couldn't believe it, especially since he has a reputation for being the Casanova in our group of friends. He completely changed, began to want to see me constantly, and then he began telling me that I was abrasive, that every time he wanted to kiss me, I would give off a disgusted body language. Once again, just like my first boyfriend, this guy was asking me if I even actually like him. (I did, er, do. Very much.) He would tell me how I would never actually tell him I like him, which was true, but that I wouldn't even show it. I live about 40 minutes away from him, and I'd drive all the way, whether I was sick, tired, had a bad day, didn't matter, just to see him. But that wasn't enough for him.

Another problem we had was that I didn't want to publicize our relationship to our mutual friends, because I knew that all the rumors and gossip would eventually break us apart. We go to the same university with all our mutual friends, so whenever we would be on campus, I wouldn't hold hands, kiss him, barely even hug him. In fact, I can, although this is very difficult for me, admit that I was actually uncomfortable kissing him. Even though I liked him!

When he told me that he couldn't deal with this emotional abuse from me anymore, he asked me to change his mind and prove him wrong. And I just sat there and stared blankly into space, even though in my head I was screaming. But I couldn't say anything to him, since I couldn't even describe to him how I feel.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I've actually began to research this issue, and I think I may have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder), or simply emotional/intimacy issues. I'm ruining my own life!!

"You can finish your conversation later, it looks bad to me and to the customers to have you talking by the front register. It doesn't look good. Especially because she's standing by the ATM machine."

"Well, I'm all done with everything, so it isn't like I have anything to do, I'm working while talking."

"Then you can go, since you stayed an extra hour yesterday."

"...well, I don't have anything to do. I could vacuum."

"Ok, do that."

By the time I hung up, I was PISSED. Ok, the ATM machine is by the front register, but not only was Amber's BACK facing it, she was reading a magazine and talking to me, by my register! Amber understood that I was being yelled at, so she told me she was gonna walk around, do some shopping. So she went to the cosmetics to check out some stuff, as my manager comes up to me & gives me another explanation that talking is wrong. About 30 minutes later, my manager comes up to me again.

"Is she you ride home or something?"

"Um, no."

"Oh. Ok, because she has been in the store for going on a hour."

"Ok. Is that a problem? She's shopping."

"Ok, I was just checking."

Now, this absolutely CANNOT be all in my head. Once again, I am going to repeat something, Amber is from Uganda, meaning she's black. I don't know if this has anything to do with racism, but it sure as hell looked like that from my point of view. We live in a primarily white town..primarily meaning 99.999999999%, so Tom told me before that although security should still be monitored, it isn't as bad as down in the "populated", urban areas. So all of a sudden, a black girl walks into the store & it's a huge deal that she's somewhere in the PROXIMITY of an ATM machine?! Amber is one of my best friends, so I was LIVID when he told me this. When we get random white chicks coming in & shopping for a while, walking around the store, there is absolutely NO issue with Tom, even if they're my white girl-friends! So this is a complete slap in the face to me.

Being a cashier, I get absolutely no respect. The pay is basically minimum wage, while doing the work of 5 people. During high traffic hours, I am in charge of checking everyone out promptly, while doing busy work like putting the candy away. But as soon as I step from behind the counter into the aisle (where, by the way, I CANNOT even see the front register), I have to run back up to the register because there is a huge line of angry customers complaining that they have to wait for me. All the while, my manager is sitting in the office, usually on the phone, calling me up to the register! Then, my manager tells me that I have to quickly get to the register so customers wont have to wait. It's ridiculous!

I am getting barely any pay, no benefits, and I have to kiss butt to angry customers who tell me that I'm slow & don't do my job (which to them, is me standing by the register!). Just last night, I bought a pack of cigarettes and some lighters & put the bag by the front register, my manager runs up and says,

"Whats in the bag, why is it up front? If it's yours, you have to leave it in the office."

 So he took it to put in the office. At the end of the night, when I was in the office counting down the register, my manager proceeds to go through my bag, then he asks,

"Since when do you smoke?"

 and starts to examine my lighters. Not only is it none of his business, but he saw me purchase the items and put the bag by the front register before he ran up to me to repremand me. I feel like he is constantly breathing down my neck, and treating me as if I'm a convict and not an employee. If you want respect in the workplace, DO NOT WORK HERE.

tomorrow im going to spain, yes, i said spain. omg! im so super excited. ah!! but on another note, im so incredibly lazy, its almost redic. ive been attempting to pack all day..yeah, i think ive got a single outfit completely done. way to go me. now just 5 more days of packing to go. im only going for a week, so i dont really need to bring my entire wardrobe, but i need to look good..its freakin EUROPE! pretty much fashion central. i hate just how incredibly vain and superficial i sounded there, im really not like that at all, but i do believe in looking put together. is that really so bad? plus, i want the photos to look good. i was going through my israel photos, where i was wearing sweats practically the entire time..the trip was amazing, the photos of me? not so much. so i want decent photos this time.

oh, another thing before i go back to being my slowly packing lazy self, i got a computer with a camera..score. ive wanted one for a while.

>>>thats me :)

but anyways, its half past midnight and i gotta get up at 8 tomorrow and im nowhere near finished.. so toodle-oo :)

LOOOONG work day tomorrow.. 8 whole hours on my feet.. i hate walgreens for a reason. which is exactly why i should be asleep right now..ive got a total of 6 hrs to sleep, that is, if i went to bed now, which is clearly what im not gonna be doing. thing is, im a huge "friends" freak.. & theres an episode on at 12:30.. oh yes, i am just that big of a loser.

well, the real reason why i decided to not sleep right now is because i was up doing a little bit of research on this recent gym shooting in pennsylvania. thats what happens when im home on a friday night..& bored..& trying to keep from going to sleep, like i should be. but anyways. is it strange that i actually feel bad for the shooter, george sodini? he was 48 years old..& according to his blog, he hadn't had a girlfriend since 1984 & hadn't had sex since 1990, when he was 29. in fact, his main reason for being so hateful of women is that he simply couldnt get one. i just dont understand. he was an attractive guy, especially for his age, he worked out, it seemed like he had his life in order..so what exactly set him off? he clearly bashed his mother, calling her "The Boss", and actually asking why people are so vicious to the people closest to them.. so typical psychological case, male angry at his mother, so he tranfers it to all women.. right? but he actually wanted to be with someone, he was just lonely.. i dont know, i just feel bad for him. it mustve been so hard to be alone for 20ish years.. i am NOT, by ANY means, condoning his actions. DO NOT get the wrong idea. i just think that perhaps there is something a little lonely about his existence..i just wonder, in all his 48 years, was he ever truly happy? did he ever feel truly loved? hmm..just something to think about..

on another note, the "friends" episode tonight is about how monica is dating a great guy, rich, attractive, great personality, and yet, she simply isnt attracted to him. which is another great question ive pondered ever since i knew what liking someone was.. but its getting late, i wanna finish watching this episode, and i have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning!..its already almost 1am. dangit. another exhausting 8hrs of standing & falling asleep at walgreens awaits me tomorrow. wonderful.

recently, i've gotten really into reading different blogs. what i never realized is that you can find out so much about life from other people. in fact, blogs are pretty much like the greatest advice, commentary and whatever else you can think of, all in one convenient place. it's freedom of speech at it's very finest. which cannot make me happier.

did i ever mention that im quite possibly the most opinionated person on the planet? seriously, arguing & proving my point is like my lifes goal. of course, i do NOT, by any means, mean that i love to coerce people into believing what i believe, although if that happens to be the case, i'll be more than happy. i just like to show people my side of thinking. so what better way to express my dislike, adoration, disgust, or just opinion in general than right on here? ah, my life is now complete.

but back to the topic. im lazy. and for those that truly know me, that's not news in the least bit. i get super excited about an idea or a project...& then the excitement dies down after a little bit & i go back to not doing anything about it & forgetting it completely. sad, right? right. i always have unfinished business... like this blog for example..i started it in..oh, 2005?! yeah, i kinda left it to simmer for about 4 YEARS! ah, my laziness annoys even me, i can't imagine how my mom feels about it..although i guess i can, since she yells at me to clean my room practically every hour on the hour. oh. another thing i forgot to mention, i go off on tangents, quite a bit. so when i do, just bear with me.

anyyyways. sheesh, i dont even know where to start. ok, well, first off, to those of you bloggers who dont like, or rather, appreciate, when other bloggers dont use punctuation or dont capitalize, i apologize in advance. but like ive stated before, im lazy. sometimes, if i feel like it, i will add the apostrophe to the " i'll ", but sometimes, ill just write like that. :) it takes too long, and frankly, as long as you readers get my meaning, its fine with me. dont worry, i wont torture you WiTh WrItInG lIkE tHiS, because, honestly, i cant imagine how people type like that..it must be a skill, since it takes me about 10 times longer to type stuff up. so otherwise, i hope everything is to your taste.

perhaps i should start out by talking about myself..since the last time i did that was when i was a little high school sophmore.. & of course, i dont have to explain that a whole lot has changed since then. but id really rather not waste my time with stating, in random statements, as i seemed to do in my post on..what was it..2007? short little bursts of words dont define me, & they sure as hell dont even come close to explaining just who i am, so ill save myself the finger cramps & you the bloodshot eyes from staring at the screen too long, trying to read it. arent i just the sweetest? :)

well, i guess a short little intro wouldnt hurt. im a sophomore in college {..wow. i just wrote that & even im stunned..im getting old!} and im just your average, 5'1", spunky ukrainian, with simply too many opinions. i have an opinion about practically everything, so what better way to share it? :P hmmm..thats about all i can think of about myself, just a student, trying to figure out just what the heck it is that i wanna do with my life, all while trying to juggle full-time classes, an almost full-time job, family, friends, and my own sanity. all in all, im just your average girl-next-door.

What exactly is the correct definition for the term "friends"? The show "Friends" was one of my favorites...they always seemed so happy, like they were all made for each other, one friend complemented the other... But life is so not like that. Goodness, why are people so 2-faced and lying to my face?

The summer before senior year. My final year with all my "close" friends, right before we all head onto our seperate roads, trying to find our seperate happiness. I wanted this summer to be one of the best...but turns out it'd be one of the worst. Oh, the irony. People Ive known for ages have turned against me.

Someone was crying, jealous of me when I had found my ex-boyfriend, even though at the time, I had no idea what the problem was, & I was trying to console them. For someone who used to always say that I was their 1st best friend, they found a boyfriend & at the drop of a pin, ditched all her friends for this guy. Ive got another friend whose "better 1/2" is jealous of me because Im best friends with her boyfriend. Grreat. WHY? Its not like we are in LOVE! Goodness.

& however could I forget to mention the 1 friend I would never have expected betrayal from? The one friend I always thought would be by my side through thick & thin? The 1 who was supposed to be the strong 1, the protector. So what happens? When someone threatens him & my other friends as well, he sprints away. Not even telling us he's going. Thanks. A lot. To be honest, I kinda actually wanted something to happen to us, in the middle of those woods...just so that when the news got to him, he'd know he was responsible for not helping us.

Maybe thats why Ive always thought that the characters on "Friends" were made for each other. They WERE made for each other. By the script writers. Isnt that just depressing, then?

i suppose i should tell about myself....

~well, im a 16 year old girl.

~i was born in Kiev, Ukraine, but now i live in Wisconsin.

~i am very shy, until people really get to know me.

~my attention span can be quite short sometimes.

~i fall in love easily. & thats why i usually get hurt.

~when i fall in love, its only with 1 person & 1 person only.

~i have a difficult time getting over people.

~i like going online because i can meet so many new, interesting people, and talk to people from Ukraine.

~i dont like it when people judge me just by my nationality or the fact that i can speak different languages.

~i wish people would realize that we're all the same.

~HATE isnt in my vocabulary.

~i dont like people that are self-centered and full of themselves, guys like that turn me off, especially.

~i dont like to be classified as one thing or another.

~i believe in true love.

~i love my ipod because music is amazing.

~not a day goes by that i dont remember Ukraine.

~i tend to dwell on the past a lot.

~i question many things.

~i dont like conformity.

~i dont like it when people diss something because it got "too popular". honestly, i dont understand what popularity has to do with their likes & dislikes.

~i love animals.

~my dream is helping people & changing something for the better in this world.

~i believe in karma because what goes around comes around.

~i believe in God.

~my Mom & my Grandma are the 2 people i love the most.

~my friends are the best. ~i dont really like instant messengers because its difficult to understand emotions, sarcasm, etc. ~i read my horoscope almost daily. sometimes its true.

~i will spend months, if not years, crying over a guy who doesnt want me, when a guy who loves me is standing right in front of me.

~im very opinionated.

~i love psychology. it can open up so many new doors.

~i can become overly obsessed with 1 subject.

~i eat sunflower seeds daily.

~pink is my favorite color.

~i like heels, lipgloss, and skirts...im a girlie girl.

~i sing even though i know i cant.

~i can be quite lazy sometimes.

~i have a fear of death & rejection.

~im the type of girl who smiles to brighten someone else's day, even though i might be crying inside.

~ive been hurt unmeasurable times. ~i dont like people who lie to get other's attention.

~i dont like people who hide who they truly are just to become popular.

~i am me.

No. Seriously. Apparently, I got sick. I'm almost sure that it's because of stupid room 208...where I was taking the testing crap. It was like 40 degrees in there! Ok, I mean, it's November...aren't the air conditioners supposed to be off? I sat in that freezing room for like 3 hours straight! wow. But seriously, my throat hurts, my head is about to explode...AND to top that all off, I think I'm high...from tylenol and cough drops [is it even possible to get high off of cough drops? :/ ]! Yea...so its like 1:05 in the morning...and I think I should probably go to sleep.